My mother has had a difficult life. She was diagnosed with clinical depression many years ago and has made multiple “suicide attempts” since I was older. I am an only child and unmarried, and my mother never married after my father left. she found love when i was At the age of 11, her parents forbade her to pursue it, so she focused on her career.
Mothers’ suicide attempts were often related to control issues: Reaction to whether I’m dating or not.It’s a line. When I graduated from college and moved to another city, my mother told me to fly home. work-from– house arrangement, and the fight continued, with my aunt (who hasn’t worked since her early 30s) taking the lead as well. Tired of the never-ending drama, I took a job in another country, worked here for 10 years, and reluctantly returned to my “homeland” once.
Since I started earning money in 2009, I have sent 25% of my salary to the bank. 20% to mother and aunt, no questions asked. I have tried to be as responsible as possible, paying my medical bills and organizing. holiday.
When the lockdown happened in 2020, my mother was visiting my city and there were four COVID-19 outbreaks. After a stroke and two cancer diagnoses, she ended up living with me most of the time. 5 years. Long conversations during lockdown while off to a rocky start in the pandemic Her illness and cancer treatment then brought us closer together, and by 2023 I believed we truly loved and respected each other.
Recently, I went on a trip to help my aunt get discharged from the hospital. She was in the hospital and had to check her email to reset her internet banking. I couldn’t help but take a peek and found a cache of emails dated 2012. Until 2020, when my mother wrote the most derogatory words about me.
this broke my heart And I want to send my mother back to her home country forever. Should I live alone or go back to my aunt’s house? still I am concerned about her age, depression, and frail health (she is in remission, but the cancer is making that sacrifice). Please let me know!
This may be an example of the most controlling mother-daughter (and aunt) relationship I’ve ever witnessed.
I have passed your letter on to Sharon Bond, a UKCP registered psychotherapist. He was shocked by your “courage and compassion.” “You can think about the mother’s feelings and circumstances. While taking on the role of raising the mother, you also try to be the daughter that the mother needs and is proud of, and the good niece to the aunt. It was.”
Even when you lived apart, you still supported your mother and aunt. And you are still feeding them.
There seem to be many layers of control in this scenario. Bond thought things were funny when it was just you and your mom, when she came to stay at your house during lockdown. I saw it To change.
“I’m sorry that all your hard work was ruined by seeing your mom and aunt’s email exchanges,” Bond said. I noticed that the email dates were from 2012 to 2020. Was there any overlap between the end of this interaction and the change in the mother-daughter relationship? ”
I was wondering what you were looking for in your “peeks” – evidence that things have changed or haven’t? The question is, if you hadn’t read these emails, how would you feel now? I wonder if it’s true.
You have good reason to send your mother home and resume your life as best you can. There is also no obligation to send money home. But in situations like this that I’ve observed, it’s easy to suggest something like that, but we’re so caught up in the situation that we often end up overwhelmed with guilt and obligation and… It’s important to find the line between what you feel like you can live your own life. Only you know where that line is. Is there anyone else in your life who can support you? Consider seeking therapy to find out the cause. you Do you really want it? “What obstacles are stopping you from moving forward in life?” asked Bond. What are you not allowing yourself to do? ”
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Can you trust this new relationship with your mom? Will it support you? Who advises you to forgive her?
Whatever you do, “it has to be a decision you can live with,” Bond said, and that’s what really matters here. If you want someone to tell you that you’ve done more than enough, that it’s your turn in life, you can help your mom from afar if you need to, but I’m here to tell you that. I’ll give it to you.
In the UK and Ireland, Samaritan You can contact us on freephone 116 123 or email [email protected] or [email protected]. In the US, you can call or text. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 988, chat 988lifeline.orgor text home To connect with a crisis counselor, call 741741. Australian crisis support services lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at: befrienders.org
Each week, Annalisa Barbieri tackles a personal problem submitted to us by our readers. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please submit your issue to: [email protected]. Annalisa regrets not being able to have personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our Terms of Use.
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