After being the culprit behind every marketing blitz, it seems like just about everyone is taking the latest silver bullet. From a heifer who can’t squeeze into a single seat on a plane to a 12-year-old puppy who just ate a few cupcakes, it seems like anyone looking to lose a few pounds is on the Ozempic or Wegoby diet.
Does anyone else feel left out?
I have no doubt that the jab will help you lose weight quickly and can be life-changing for certain people. But I remain unconvinced that it is the most sensible solution to the national obesity crisis. Actually, I have a simpler, cheaper answer, and no unpleasant side effects. Ladies and gentlemen, we’re introducing retractable belt barrier training, available not just at your local airport, but at airports around the world.
Whoever invented this stupid way of enforcing orderly queues should be as rich as Big Pharma because they devised a system that thwarts any competition from smarter technology. The problem is that lazy workers don’t feel like adjusting their belts when no one is around. What that means is a lot of pointless rounds. So contrarians and those in a hurry face a dilemma. If you duck under the ribbon, you risk pulling a muscle. Or you feel like an idiot with a meaningless circuit. I once chose the duck and dive option, longing for the ability to jump something like a reverse hurdle, only to be sent back to the starting point by Jobworth.
According to the security guard, rules are rules and there are no shortcuts.
Where is Elon Musk when you need him? Surely there is a gaping hole in the market for Tesla or SpaceX versions of these stupid so-called “strut sets”? What I have in mind is some kind of laser that automatically shines a light on the path and gives a small electric shock to anyone who steps out of line. Instead, every day, millions of off-peak passengers collectively walk hundreds, perhaps thousands of miles across deserted carpets to get to check-in desks and security scanners.
Perhaps airport staff take a strange sadistic pleasure in watching dead-eyed passengers drag these items along with their carry-on baggage – or is this a secret plot by the deep state? Perhaps this is another method that will help the population lose weight. If so, I have to say it’s genius. Imagine how much extra exercise everyone is forced to do.
Here’s an idea. Instead of mass dosing with semaglutide, why not deploy this cumbersome adjustable barrier to all kinds of public places? They don’t even have to be crowded, like in airport showcases. If you put it everywhere, everyone would have to walk 10 times as far to get from A to B. Imagine what you can do outside of KFC or McDonald’s.
