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Dear Prudence
A few years ago, I was diagnosed with celiac disease. I’ve told a few relatives and close friends that I eat with, but otherwise I don’t say anything. The main reason is that a lot of people think we’re fake or something. So my problem is my sister-in-law. When this was all new to me, she visited with chocolate chip cookies she had made herself and assured me they were gluten-free. I was very happy because at the time I was still missing gluten-containing foods.
As soon as she left, I looked up the secret ingredient, thinking I had finally found a delicious gluten-free flour.
No, it was 100 percent wheat ind corn. It’s hard to believe that it wasn’t intentional. She has a science background and had previously made skeptical comments that I was just being picky. Meanwhile, my less scientifically literate brother read the label on a can of beans and learned that they contained gluten, so he brought me another gluten-free brand for Thanksgiving.
Anyway, she often says negative and mean things to people. I was always able to blow them away. But I couldn’t let this go. Things are becoming increasingly tense between us. I’d like to discuss it, but the last time I tried that with her, she wouldn’t talk to me for 2 years. Last month they moved closer to us, only an hour away. But I wish I never had to see her again. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been trying hard to keep peace for my family, but I’m tired.
–I feel really disrespected.
Dear rude person,
Let’s take a closer look at this. First, you are hiding your celiac disease. I don’t know where you live, but here in the big cities, it’s very common for people to either have to go gluten-free or choose to go gluten-free. Just the other night, my ex-husband accidentally bought a bag of gluten-free gnocchi from a good Italian restaurant. And if you haven’t told this many people, how can people be sure you’re lying? After a few years, you may find that the world has changed and so have the way people think about celiac disease.
That being said, there are still some assholes out there, and it sounds like your sister-in-law is one of them. You never know if she sabotaged you with a recipe high in gluten. So I’d like to put this aside and focus on the real issue, which is that she might think that way. The way you phrase it, I’m not sure that “talking it out” will ease the tension between the two of you, and it might actually make it worse. Forget about the cookies, avoid anything she bakes for you in the future, and leave the room when she comes in at family gatherings. Listen to your feelings and avoid problems. And tell more people that you’re gluten-free. Normalizing celiac disease is good for everyone, including people like your sister-in-law.
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Dear Prudence
My husband hates hearing things twice. I come home from work and tell him about the incident. Then, a week later, at dinner with a friend, I tell the same story. Everyone else was enjoying the story (some were crying and some were laughing so hard), but he kept trying to change the subject and rush me. Then when we got home he complained that he had to listen to it again. Isn’t it common to hear similar stories when you get married? In fact, he spent the last month complaining about the same problem at work, so it’s not like I don’t hear the same stuff on a regular basis. Please tell me who is doing something unreasonable here.
—I’m naturally good at telling stories, I promise.
Everyone telling stories,
As someone who loves telling the same stories over and over again to new audiences (sorry to my friends, family, and colleagues at Slate!), I agree. A good story is a good story and deserves to be shared widely. This is your husband’s problem, not yours. Maybe the next time something like that happens at a dinner party, he’ll take care of letting you go to the bathroom, clearing the plates, refilling the table with wine and water, or, you know… Yes, you can be polite and make noises, which married people have always done. In this situation for centuries. Please keep talking. we love hearing it.
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Dear Prudence
I’m a 31-year-old married bicis woman living in the Northeast and need help with my work-life balance. My entire career has been in outdoor education, initially leading long-term backcountry trips and nature-based programs for teens and young adults. For the past five years, I have been on the administrative side, and for the past three in my current position. My role is office-based, but I also have night on-call responsibilities that will be on-site at least once a week during the spring, summer, and fall seasons. My work week is always over 40 hours, especially in the summer. My work is intense and sometimes emotionally draining, but I find it very rewarding and I love the community I work for. My spouse works a consistent 9-5 and is very supportive and flexible with my irregular schedule.
And last weekend, I visited a friend at university who is expecting her first child at the end of October. I am the first of my friends to become a parent. Although she and I are very different people in many ways, we have a deep love and respect for each other’s life choices, and we share our hopes and fears about each other’s careers and her upcoming major life changes. We had a very interesting conversation. As I drove home after that weekend, I started thinking more about becoming a parent. I’ve never felt an inherent desire to become pregnant or become parents, but my spouse shares that ambivalence with me. We’ve had so many adventures and literally said to each other, “I could never do this with kids!” But I now wonder if I ever really gave myself permission to explore my true feelings about parenthood. Because my life wasn’t built to support parenthood, it seemed logically impossible.
I realized that whether I had children or not, I wanted a life where I could afford to support them if I wanted to. And space to fully enjoy that freedom, even if I choose not to.
Plus, live like you’re preparing to become a parent (by actually writing a will, planning your finances more deliberately and proactively, and prioritizing those home projects you’ve been putting off). , it will be a good preparation for enjoying life without children. I brought all this to my spouse. My spouse is fully supportive of this mission and was a little excited to seriously consider what it would be like to have a baby in our family. He says that he doesn’t feel a strong desire to become a parent yet, but that he would be honored to co-parent with me. So my next step is to find a way to reformat my life so that having a baby is even a possibility.
My question is, what should I do? Take all this to my boss (who is also a friend, but I know it’s all intertwined) and sort out my thoughts and figure out what I’m asking for. Would you like to see if this is possible within your current role? Should you start looking for another job? Given my skill set and where I live, that would probably mean higher education, but I don’t do not have I’m interested, but there are very few such jobs and it’s quite competitive. Do you want to do both? Is there another option that I haven’t thought of? Is this whole project actually a new, baroque way to delay the decision to become a parent?
-Is there more to life than work?
Make your life richer,
Okay, first of all, take it easy. It feels pretty low. It’s great that you’re thinking about becoming a parent, but you haven’t taken that step yet. possibility of desire That’s the best way to approach this. First, take some time to talk with your partner and decide whether or not you want to seriously try to conceive. It seems like neither of them are sure they want kids, and they seem pretty young (based on the fact that they only have one friend with a baby at this point). Make sure you understand the same page before moving on. You’re thinking so far ahead in a process full of uncertainty that you need to be 100% invested and buy-in to whatever happens.
If you decide to proceed, go ahead and try it. However, it may take some time to get pregnant. There is a possibility of miscarriage. You may face infertility issues. I’m not saying this to get you down, I’m saying this to be realistic. Trying to plan a career path for an imaginary baby you don’t even know you want or can have is really putting the cart before the horse. There is no need to “rebuild” your life at this time.
Other points: Yes, you should definitely write a will! Yes, you should consult a financial planner. No, please do not discuss this with your manager at this time. However, you may want to talk to a therapist about your desire to plan well in advance of your life. One thing I can promise you is that if you end up having children, all the plans in the world, both in the best way and in many difficult ways, will prevent your world from turning upside down from time to time. It’s not a thing. it’s one of the things that counts Above.
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More advice from Slate
My cousin recently passed away suddenly at the age of 40. We were only a few years apart in age and not very close, but we grew up in the same small town and had a few mutual friends from childhood. Her next of kin did not disclose the cause of death, only informing my family that she had suddenly become ill before she passed away. It is not inconceivable that she may have overdosed, either by accident or on purpose. I don’t blame my family for keeping quiet about this, as either could be considered contempt in the close-minded community we come from. But it’s very hard to find closure without knowing what happened, and having been “shielded” from the truth in my family as a child, I’m sensitive about the possibility of finding out from the rumor mill instead.
