Dear Eric: My mother has been a widow for many years. Her day consists of watching TV. I took her on vacation once and all she wanted to do was stay in a hotel and watch TV. She rarely meets friends or goes out. My brother and I live about an hour’s drive away, have full-time jobs, a spouse, and kids, so the best I can do at this point is go see her a few times a month.
We suggested that she might be depressed or lonely, but she scoffed, saying she likes spending time alone. We suggested activities with senior centers, her church, etc., but she declined, saying she didn’t want to be around the elderly. The last time we talked about it, she was so angry that she said we wouldn’t talk about it anymore. However, I am concerned about her mental state. Her world became incredibly small.
Maybe I feel guilty that I can’t entertain her more, so I want to relieve myself of the tension somehow. At some point, does she have to accept that this is the life she has chosen for herself?
– Unchanged channels
Dear Channel: Accept that this is what she wants to do at this point in her life, and just look after her without putting any pressure on her. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, older adults are at higher risk for depression, which can manifest as a loss of interest in pleasurable hobbies. Also be aware of other symptoms of depression. However, respect your decision not to embarrass her. Maybe TV is her hobby and that’s okay.
As we change, so does our world. If the mother has not expressed her dissatisfaction, you should take her word for it. The last thing you want to do is undermine her autonomy by telling her how you feel. Your guilt may be about the life you want her to have, not the life she wants. Keep the lines of communication open and listen to what she has to say.
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