Dear Annie: After my father passed away a few years ago, my elderly mother bought a house on the West Coast to be closer to my brother and I. She had always relied on her father for financial matters and major life decisions, so taking on these responsibilities herself was a difficult adjustment. Even though she bought a new home over 18 months ago, she still lives in her old house on the East Coast, but she couldn’t sell it because of her brother’s serious hoarding problems.
Her brother, who lives with her, has undiagnosed mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. He can’t get a regular job and has been living with my parents for years. My brother lacks insight into his hoarding disorder and doesn’t believe in medicine (i.e., believes that treatments and medications are part of a larger government conspiracy). So despite our efforts, there is no hope that he will get the help he needs. Please persuade him.
For years, his mother begged him to move his things from their East Coast home, but he wouldn’t do it. His mental illness, lack of funds, and inability to plan for the future all contributed to his rejection.
Meanwhile, my mother is unable to sell her current home because she is paying property taxes on both homes and a mortgage on a vacant West Coast home. I tried to help by researching tenant law, consulting a lawyer, and paying for trash removal services, but nothing changed. After the research above, it seems like the only solution is to kick the brother out of the house so he has legal authority to take his stuff. She had already experienced such half-hearted measures, which resulted in the staff team leaving on the first day out of concern for staff safety, and my brother being left in great distress. Ta.
My mother and brother have a toxic codependent relationship. Whenever she urges him to move or clean up, he frequently threatens suicide, causing her to back down every time. She is unable to set clear boundaries that prioritize her own well-being and constantly says, “He has nowhere to go.” It is clear that he will never leave voluntarily and they both continue to live in misery, unable to move on.
Despite my efforts to help, the situation negatively affected my own mental health and I had to distance myself emotionally. I encouraged my mom to see a therapist, and she finally did. She’s learning about boundaries, but she worries it will be a long time, if ever, before she can put that knowledge into practice. Her beautiful new home is empty, and she is in a corner both financially and emotionally.
Is there anything else I can do to help her? Any advice for my mom? It breaks my heart that she might never get out of here and I don’t know what to do next. — Desperate Girl
Dear Desperate: You did everything in your power to help a mother in this incredibly difficult situation. Unfortunately, it’s up to her to set boundaries with your brother and take the necessary actions to return to your West Coast home.
She wished she could have handled it more amicably, but her brother’s mental health issues prevented her from getting the help she needed, and eviction began to look like her only solution.
I commend your mother for embarking on therapy and agree that although it may take time, she can now have the tools she needs to take action in her life. Masu. Perhaps with the help of a therapist, your mother could find a way to get your brother into psychiatric treatment, especially if, as you said, he has thoughts of hurting himself. Sho. One thing is certain: this impasse cannot continue.
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