A friend of mine almost canceled a date with a guy because he woke up with acne. She came to my apartment surprised. Is that all you see when you look at me? Should I make up an excuse to cancel? ”
If you’re like many women who follow dating advice, the number one thing you care about before a date is how you look. What should I wear? Should I wear my hair up? under? Half up? Are heels flattering or do they look too high-maintenance?
But all that effort might be best spent elsewhere. That’s because your appearance is unlikely to be a make-or-break factor in whether a man likes you or not. Think about it. If he finds you attractive enough to date from the beginning, it’s not your looks that matter as he gets to know you. And part of learning how to get a man to like you is understanding that.
What do men like about their partners? According to a study published in Journal of Experimental Social Psychologyit’s kindness and empathy.
Instead, on the first few dates he thinks: Do you have it? things to talk about?Do I enjoy spending time with her? Do you think she’s smart? Does she look cool? Will she fit into my life? He probably isn’t thinking, “Oh…she was just a little hotter last time I saw her.” Believe it or not, it’s true. How do I know?
I’ve traveled the country and interviewed over 1,000 men about intimacy, love, and dating, and I’ve found that the number one factor that turns men down on dates is a bad attitude.
Here’s what they say when I ask them, “What frustrates you on a date?”
- 34% bad conversation
- 16% for bad manners
- 35% have a bad personality or attitude
- Others 14%
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What you say on a date is a chance for a man to get to know you. So it’s not really surprising that bad conversation is one of the top complaints. Is it okay to have an important first date again? According to a poll conducted by YouGovIt’s about taking a date home to meet your parents.
Bad conversations include girls talking too little or too much, only talking about themselves, or revealing too much. (What men usually consider “too much” is talking about ex-boyfriends, ex-lovers, or your deepest emotional dramas.)
Also, guys didn’t enjoy talking to girls who didn’t seem to understand what was going on in the world at all and could only talk about superficial things (i.e. celebrity gossip). Overall, they wanted the dating conversation to go like a “tennis match,” with both parties contributing and asking about each other.
When we think of men, we tend to think of beer-guzzling, burping, farting, and various other “uncivilized” traits. So you might be surprised to find that “bad manners” is on the list of no-nos on a date.
But they’re not talking about using the wrong fork, or putting your elbow on the table, or using the word “worst.” Bad manners that harass men include being rude to store staff, checking their cell phones, expecting men to pay only for them, and not saying thank you when they pay. There are many things you can do.
Bela Arsic / Pexels
Although the definition of “bad personality or attitude” varied from man to man, many men complained about girls who appeared to be pushy, materialistic, lacked a sense of humor, or unintelligent.
The “Other” category includes things like drinking, smoking, and general nonconformity. Some people in this category mentioned physical things, but what was surprising was that most of those physical things had to do with the mouth.
Bad breath, dirty teeth, and chewing with the mouth open were all things that disgusted men. Ironically, with all the time you might spend getting ready for a date, perhaps the best investment you can make is a good toothbrush and mouthwash.
When a man takes you out on a date, he’s looking for the full package. He already knows what you look like. (Even if it was a blind date, there may have been some stalking on Facebook before you met.)
Sure, you want to look good, but try not to stress too much about it. Maybe you’re having a bad hair day, but don’t let that ruin the mood of your date. After all, what men are paying attention to is how you feel. How you look on a date isn’t as important as you might think.
Knowing this, when my friend tried to cancel a date because of her acne, I told her that such a thing was stupid and that the act of canceling was better than getting a scar on her face. I said it would attract his attention much more. Plus, the acne wasn’t that big and the restaurant is dark.
Amber Madison is the co-founder of. populism. Her thought leadership has been featured on everyone from the Today Show to MTV and NPR, as well as in Fast Company, The Atlantic, The Wall Street Journal, Newsweek, and more.
