As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child, but when it comes to relationships, some people think asking for support is admitting failure.
But it’s not always misplaced asceticism that gets couples into trouble. For many people, the cost of relationship counseling is prohibitive, and finding the right therapist can be daunting and have long waiting lists.
For readers who manage to get help getting through a difficult situation in their relationship, the outcome doesn’t necessarily mean staying together. But almost everyone agreed that the exercise itself brought clarity.
For others, the act of prioritizing the relationship and actively investing in it was as important as a therapist’s advice.
Whether therapy is initial, after decades together, preemptive, or the result of a major relationship crisis, readers will learn how to make the most of therapy. The key to taking advantage of this, he says, is to approach this effort with integrity and as a team.
“I started to feel like I was being listened to.”
After 17 years together, when I told him I wanted to separate, my husband convinced me to try counseling. We used a counselor recommended by a friend and endured a 12-hour marathon over the weekend. My ex-boyfriend finally admitted to having an affair after denying it for years. My counselor helped me feel heard.
It was too late for us to get married, but I’m glad we did.
Anonymous, Australia
“It takes a lot of time.”
I recently started couples counseling because I felt that something was going on that I couldn’t explain. The session quickly focused on my partner’s confusion about their gender. It helped me know what “something” was and with the help of a therapist it became easier for my partner to communicate his feelings.
I support partner feminization, but other than that, there are still issues that cannot be easily resolved. It’s a lot of work, but it was worth it for us.
Anonymous, Australia
“We ended up breaking up.”
My partner and I have been together for more than a quarter of a century, more than half of our lives. We were a great team, inseparable – that’s what I thought. Then he went into a midlife crisis after not getting a promotion and decided that the problem must be me and the best way to deal with this crisis was to have an affair with his co-worker.
He eventually agreed to counseling, but he only went to counseling a few times and refused the next appointment because I was “pressuring him.” We spent about $2,400 on a few appointments.
Good counselors can give people the space to talk about difficult things and see things differently, but only if they work with integrity. My husband had no intention of making it work. We ended up breaking up, but my current therapist helps me understand that he won’t change and makes myself a priority.
Anonymous, Australia
“It helps build our intimacy.”
We decided early on in our relationship to go to therapy together. Because our relationship was great and we felt excited and serious about each other. We were both already in therapy, working on ourselves, facing challenges in our lives, and wanted to learn how to best deal with them together.
My partner’s therapist recommended our shared therapist. We’ve been meeting monthly for a year and a half and it’s been great! It’s one of our favorite things to do together. It helps build our intimacy and whenever something complicated comes up, I feel safe knowing that I can solve it at my next appointment.
Briony, Tasmania, Australia
“We learned to think of our relationship as a home.”
After finding out about my husband’s affair, we started couples counseling. He started it and researched our local options. I’ve been participating every other week for the past few months and have spent about $5,000 so far. This experience was really positive.
It’s hard to say I’m grateful he cheated, but I’m grateful for the process we’ve been through since then. Through counseling, we learned to think of our relationship as home and how to make it safe and strong. By considering Gottman’s Four Horsemen and their antidotes, we have profoundly changed the way we communicate and learned how to truly listen. It was incredible. I won’t reveal why we went there ourselves, but we will recommend it to all our friends.
Anonymous, Australia
“She called me about my bad behavior.”
The only time I saw our counselor together was once a year since we started dating, and only for two hours. Our therapist really helped me learn how to communicate my needs. She validated my concerns, but also pointed out my bad behavior and helped me see my partner as someone to collaborate with rather than someone to resent.
Sammy, Newcastle, NSW
‘[It showed] What I’ve been working on behind closed doors
I started the relationship with limited skills, so I didn’t have the ability to notice many red flags, both then and for 18 years.
Eventually, I realized that this relationship was not normal and told my partner that things needed to change. She wanted to go to couples counseling and I readily agreed. At the time, I lived in a fairly small town and there was one licensed psychologist who offered couples counseling.
At first, I was put in a tough seat and told everything I had done wrong. When my turn came, my partner just walked away and said there was no problem with her at all, she never had one before, and that I just didn’t want to “come” .
She proved to the psychologist what I had been working on for a long time behind closed doors.
I moved on, got custody of my kids, went to more therapy, and eventually found a nice single woman with kids. We have been friends for many years and are a happy family.
Anonymous, Australia
“It felt great to be a pair.”
After over 20 years of marriage and two children, we were generally happy and committed, but we felt more like friends than lovers. We downsized, lost two of her immediate family members in the space of 18 months and found ourselves adrift.
We missed the spark of romance and wanted to spark it again. We searched online for a large, reputable organization and found a couples therapist who lived within an hour of our home. I chose a man because I thought it would be easier for my husband.
Our therapist was keen on breathing exercises to start the session. Neither of us thought it would be helpful, nor was our therapist ready to not include it. As a result, this part of the session created a “he and us” relationship, and the act of feeling like a pair was great.
Overall, just spending time focusing on us was helpful. By putting time aside, I started talking more deeply about myself outside of counseling sessions.
Anonymous, Australia
Quotes have been edited for structure, clarity, and length.
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