answer: Thank you for filling out the form. I think many people reach a breaking point in their parenting where they need some kind of re-evaluation. Let's zoom out and then zoom back in because the 10-year-old is assuming that her 8 remaining girlfriends are turning 18 and leaving home.
The exhaustion of raising children is real, and working full time while raising children can be much more exhausting than we realize. Many of us tolerate stress unconsciously, leading us to believe that our fatigue is somehow abnormal or unhealthy – that we're broken because we're tired. But everywhere you look, from our child care systems to our health care systems, our culture is often not built to support parents (especially non-white parents). Just as a fish doesn't know it's wet, we don't realize how our culture has led many parents to a state of chronic fatigue.
I don't know why you came to design your life and work for your children, but love is not the only answer. It may also come from implicit or explicit messages from your own childhood. What you didn't get, or what you got but want to recreate. Sense of guilt. fear or anxiety. In any case, you've been putting yourself second to her (or maybe her third or fourth) in your life for a long time. To be clear, I'm not blaming you for this choice. If we don't slow down to make conscious choices, it's easy to get swept up in “doing it all.” And if you need another excuse to get over this worry, rest assured that your kids don't want or need you to “devise a life around them.” Every family is different, but responsibility and developmentally appropriate independence build resilience in children. Simply put, children are meant to understand that everyone has needs, and that they don't have to or should not be the first to do so. I love Jessica Lahey's books.gift of failureFor more information about this message, see .
Now, for some reason, you've reached a point where you have to abandon the life you've built (an island with turtles and all). Perhaps with the help of a therapist, a self-help book, or a good friend, you need to figure out what living on a turtle island means to you. Are you tired of serving others? Want more solitude? Do you need more free time? Do you need more contact with the natural world? The ultimate goal here is to get to the root of what your mind, body, and soul need. Because the other option is just putting a bandaid on a gaping wound. And it's normal to need a coach or therapist. There's nothing unusual about reaching a crossroads in life and needing support to move on to the next chapter.
We agree that you need to reinvigorate your relationship with your 10-year-old while you sort out your own needs. The easiest way to do this is to schedule time with her like a legitimate appointment. This doesn't sound personal, but I realized that connection and fun begets connection and fun. Weekend trips, movies, food, pottery painting, home projects, local theater or sports, and the library are some ideas to get you started. There are countless ways to connect with your daughter, from those that cost a lot of money to those that cost very little. Focus on quality over quantity and, if possible, incorporate things that bring you joy. It's easy to forget that joy is contagious, and kids love to see us happy and full of energy.
Whether you use a physical or digital calendar, involve your daughter in the decision-making process. The process of choosing what to do can itself be fun. But remember: If you don't try to understand these new needs in your life, you'll just become exhausted and want to run away. Be curious and seek support. Good luck.
Megan Leahy hosts a live chat every other Wednesday at 11am. Submit your question for the next live chat here.
