Written by JW Holland
At times in my life, especially before treatment, my depression and anxiety caused me to shut down almost completely. I looked fine, but inside I could only say I was scared. The kind of fear that only allows for destruction and for everything in life to end badly.
It's not a good feeling, but the effect it had on those around me was equally difficult for me to accept.
My wild mood swings put a strain on even the best relationships. It's usually dismissed as being grumpy or just being in a bad mood overall, but it was so much more.
Anyone who has struggled with this terrible suffering will understand. However, the problem is that those who are not cursed with this disease may find it difficult to accept that this disease is beyond the control of the affected person.
What seems trivial to you is disproportionate to us, and our reactions seem exaggerated and out of line.
At my worst, I was a terrible person who could not be explained or consoled. I was willing to throw away all my common sense and take my pain out on whoever happened to be there. If you make even the slightest mistake or say the wrong thing at the wrong time, you've seen a different side of me, a side that I'm not proud of.
Those were difficult times for everyone, especially me. Even while they're happening, in my mind I'm like, stop, stop! I kept shouting to myself. But I couldn't do it, I didn't know how, and sometimes I wondered if I really wanted to.
There were a lot of things I said back then, most of which I regret, but the problem was that they were all things I couldn't say. Things that don't or won't come out of my mouth.
My brain wouldn't allow it. My emotions held them in place and my depression trapped them in a place I couldn't access. For many of us, especially men, it is difficult to fully express our emotions, feelings and thoughts. When you mix depression and anxiety, those things become nearly impossible.
At that time, no matter how hard I tried, there was something I couldn't say. Many men have the same struggle and it's important to recognize when this is the case.
Here are four heartbreaking things people who struggle with depression won't tell you.
1. I can't tell you what the problem is.
When someone appears to be in a bad mood or angry about something, many people, especially wives, try to fix it. The only way they can be helped is if we tell them what the problem is. The problem is, we don't know what's wrong and have no idea.
Deep down, we know that whatever the trigger is, it's probably not the real problem. We want to be able to say what's wrong. I want to calm down and get over it, but I can't.
2. I can't say I'm sorry
When our emotions are high, during depression or anxiety, we're likely to say hurtful things. We may have made you cry, but we are sorry for not being able to express it. At least for me, it was a defense to somehow prove to myself that I was right about the irrational thoughts running through my head.
An apology usually comes later, but it's still difficult, so it usually comes in a different form. The problem is, it's usually too late and the damage has already been done.
3. You don't need space
Anyway, even though I knew I was in the worst place mentally, I could never say that I needed alone time.
Actually, this was the moment when the words that hurt me the most were said. I didn't mean it, I couldn't say it because I needed to be left alone, I needed space, I needed time to collect myself. I know it sounds silly and somewhat childish, but it's true that the more I'm pushed, the more vicious I can become until I push someone away.
4. I can't say I need help.
This is all too true for many men with mental health issues. We still live in a society that views people differently in accepting that they may have problems. Our culture is changing, but it is changing too slowly. We are taught from an early age not to show weakness, and this only compounds the difficulty of finding a cure. When we finally admit to ourselves that something is wrong, we are still unable to express it to others.
It took a very long time before anyone could go to hospital and seek treatment. Because of the time I wasted, I lost out on great experiences and opportunities. There will always be regrets.
Of course, I'm not a mental health expert and I don't claim to have all the answers. I know how much this terrible disease has disrupted my life and the lives of my family. It's not something I'm proud of, and the hurt I caused may never be fully forgiven. All I can do going forward is take care of myself and try to get better every day.
If you or someone you know is experiencing a mental health crisis, there are ways to get help. Call SAMHSA's National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or text “HELLO” to 741741 to connect to the Crisis Text Line.
JW Holland is a blogger and former political editor at The Good Men Project. He has appeared in “Babble”, “Fatherly”, etc.
