Writing Music Helps Woman With Bipolar Disorder Express Intense Emotion

• In 2019, I started acting erratically, staying up all night, shoplifting, and going on dates with multiple men.
• I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which explained my behavior.
• By finding the right medication and channeling my emotions through music, I was able to get my life back.

This telling essay is based on a conversation with Charlotte Hallow. The following has been edited for length and clarity.

I’ve always been a musical person. I started taking piano and voice lessons when I was in elementary school, and started learning classical music and guitar in middle school. In my late teens, I started writing my own music. Currently, I am writing and recording indie pop songs. This practice has always been an important creative outlet for me, but has become even more important in my mental health journey.

While studying for a business degree in graduate school, I started acting erratically. I stayed up all night for days without sleep, using my newfound energy and motivation to write music all night long. I was also involved in a car accident, involving two cars in total, but luckily no one was hurt. I started stealing from stores. I once dated three men at the same time without knowing each other.

I thought my actions were part of “growth”

All this was very out of the ordinary to me, but I couldn’t understand what was going on. At first, I didn’t see my problematic behavior as a problem because I thought all of this was part of “growing up.” My family and friends have brought attention to the fact that I don’t seem to be “normal.”

The symptoms lasted for nearly four months, and her family was very worried. I was living with my parents and sister at the time, so my parents watched much of this happening in real time. In January 2020, I was working at a special needs school when my mother showed up and told the school there was a family emergency. I got into her car and she said she was taking me to the hospital. I remained surprisingly calm and agreed that seeking mental health treatment was a good idea.

I was scared to get the diagnosis, but she explained the symptoms to me.

I went to the emergency room, a doctor examined me, and I ended up being admitted.

At the hospital, the diagnosis was made immediately. Bipolar disorder I, a mental illness that causes episodes of depression and mania. Manic episodes usually involve an unusually high mood, which can cause people to do things they wouldn’t normally do and even do things that are dangerous. This explains my behavior for the past four months.

The diagnosis was scary, but I was relieved to finally have a name for what I was experiencing, along with hope for treatment. My doctor prescribed an antipsychotic drug called olanzapine, which helped at first. I was in the hospital for about a week, at which point the doctors decided my condition was stable enough to go home. It felt so good to be able to sleep and be myself again.

Music helps you convey your feelings when you can’t find the words

Of course, medication and therapy are the cornerstone of my treatment plan. But I also found other ways to cope, especially by playing and writing my own music.

It’s not always easy to open up to someone about what you’re going through or find the words to explain how you’re feeling. Music is a channel for me to express myself. You don’t have to tell anyone about your experience directly. Instead, you can write songs. It was helpful for me as I adjusted to life with bipolar disorder.

With bipolar disorder, it is very important to observe the following: predictable schedule. I believe that writing and playing music every day creates a routine for me, which helps keep me grounded. I try to play the guitar every morning after I wake up, but I’ve noticed that I get a little anxious when I can’t play.

The right medication helped me get my life back on track.

Like most people with bipolar disorder, I have experienced some ups and downs since being diagnosed. He was hospitalized again in March 2022, but has been stable since then. It took me a while to find the right medication for me because of the unwanted side effects. I’ve tried 6 drugs in total and I’m currently on one called Lybalvi and it seems to be working.

My mother says that music is what brought me back to who I used to be. When I got her diagnosis, I was teaching music lessons for six hours every night. After being diagnosed, I had to take time off from work until my condition stabilized. Now I’m back to teaching again and it feels great. I’m not full-time, but I’m working towards it.

I also continued to create my own music. He has recently recorded some indie pop songs and plans to release an album soon. I also perform vocals with other musicians, so I would like to perform some original songs if possible.

My mental health journey has been difficult, but I am so grateful that the medical care I received and music provided me with a support system. When everything feels so intense, it’s so comforting to have an outlet for your emotions and do something familiar.