Interview Guest: Amir Levin, MD, is a psychiatrist, neuroscientist, and co-author of a popular book. Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love., translated into 14 languages. Interview by Kyle Benson.
Kyle: How do you define attachment?
Amir: In its simplest form, attachment is the way our brains evolved to feel secure. It’s like we have a filter through which we experience the world. Fundamentally, we are a social species and the way we feel safe is through others. One of the most effective ways to manage our emotions when we are suffering is to be close to people to whom we are securely attached.
This also means that one of the most powerful ways to dysregulate our emotions and make us feel stressed is through insecure attachment, that is, when those closest to us are not around, or when they are close but not around. It means it’s time to feel.
Each of us behaves in one of three different ways in our relationships.
- Anxious people tend to worry about whether their partner loves them.
- Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and always try to minimize intimacy.
- Secure people feel comfortable in close relationships and are usually warm and loving.
Attachment is the basis of both suffering and healing. It has to do with feeling safe around others and needing to choose the right people to give you that security. If we can achieve this, we will be able to build better relationships.
Kyle: I can relate to that too. After getting out of an anxiety avoidance relationship like the one you describe in your book, I experienced a lot of health issues. attached. The feeling of not having security in my relationship and the anxiety it caused had a huge impact on my health.
Amir: Our brains are highly social on many levels. Even when you’re walking down the street, just having people around you gives you a certain sense of security. we all know it. I live in New York. Going to the subway and getting into a completely empty subway car can feel a little uncomfortable.
I’d feel more at ease if there were a few people on the subway who weren’t giving me weird looks. I think there is a huge benefit to having a selection process and creating so-called “cons details”. Having other people around is a safety signal.
It is found throughout the animal kingdom. It is also found in birds, humans, and other animals. That’s one level. I have to say I always find it interesting.I have conducted research on mice Using mice, we investigated how social proximity affects our experience of the environment.
Research has shown that mice experience things differently depending on whether or not they have other cage mates. When a rat is alone, it feels much more strongly when something harmful happens to it than when it is with other rats.
When we gave them an electric shock and tested them 24 hours later, they froze. This is called fear memory. I measured the time it took to solidify. When the same shock was delivered in the presence of a cage mate and the cage mate was not shocked, the freezing time was much shorter.
Our brains record the same experience differently in the presence or absence of another person. It literally encodes different memories depending on the social environment we are in.
It also allows you to identify not just the general population, but more importantly specific people. We hold them responsible for our welfare and we hold them responsible for their welfare. We spend our energy and time there. Our entire brain is wired to like them and need to be in close proximity to them.
That’s why I talk about attachment styles in my book. Not everyone has the same capacity for intimacy. People vary in their ability to provide a sense of a safe base. It is very important in learning how to make him attached to you.
Kyle: One of my favorite chapters in your book discusses the biological truth of dependence and something called the dependence paradox. This reminds me of the independent mindset that “I don’t need relationships.” Could you tell me more about that?
Amir: I co-authored this book with my high school friend Rachel, so it’s interesting that you mention that chapter. For a short time, she lived in San Francisco, but most of her time lived in Israel. In Israel, her family is close and social ties are very strong. The same is true in Europe.
American society differs in terms of the intimacy of its people. She felt that the most important thing was to write about her attachment style and dependency issues. She took it for granted and she didn’t even think the chapter was worth reading.
Because for her it was, “What’s new here?” Of course we all need each other. ”Here in the United States, that’s not so commonplace. I explained that to her and ultimately decided to include that chapter.
In some ways, American society is more evasive. We value independence and independence very much and equate them, but they are not the same. This is because real independence basically means that you can’t trust others and have to do everything yourself.
Independence only comes with a secure foundation. The dependency paradox is the basis of this safety system. I wrote about the strange situation test because this is most likely to happen to children. This is a very powerful way to show how the attachment system works in the brain.
Basically, they bring in a toddler with a mother or father or caregiver, put the child in a room full of toys, and ask the mother or father to leave. Then they are reunited. At first, young children are interested in toys and begin to play with them.
However, when the mother is gone, the infant shows no interest in toys. They drop everything. That’s amazing. When the research assistant tries to play with the toy, the child throws the toy in her face. They lose all interest in their surroundings until their mother comes.
The same thing can be seen with dogs when owners leash them outside of stores. When the owner enters the house and tries to play with the dog, the dog is transfixed, asking, “Where’s the owner?”
They don’t seem to care about the environment at all. When the owner returns, the dog suddenly starts wagging his tail, playing around, and becoming interested in other people.
It’s very important to us. Because if we don’t have that security, if the people around us don’t provide us with a safety net, we’re just like dogs. We become distracted, close our minds, and stop exploring. The whole concept of independence is the idea that when we go to work, we don’t really need anyone, we can explore, we can open our eyes to the world.
This is common in marital relationships. We don’t cling to our partner when we feel it’s a safe relationship. It becomes old news, yes they are there, we know they are, it’s a given. Then we open up to the world.
That’s why many people with anxiety (both anxious and avoidant) don’t understand this from many different perspectives. Anxious people see their preoccupation as an expression of a greater love. It’s like there’s something wrong with love in a relationship. At first everything was very exciting, but now it feels like the world goes on and we have a lot of interests outside. It may actually mean that the relationship is good.
And for the avoidant person, it’s like, “Oh, this person is so needy and so clingy.” In fact, they may be doing small things to make the relationship more secure. That’s the fascinating part. This is the stupidest thing to do because it’s so easy to do just by doing a few small things to keep your attachment system at bay.
Relationships don’t need big gestures, but that’s what people don’t understand. It’s not about big gestures, it’s about very, very simple things.
Kyle: Dr. Gottman says this is “often the little things.” I think avoidant people fear being too clingy or too needy, especially if they’re in a relationship with an anxious partner.
What I loved about your book is that you can say, “No, I’m not exaggerating.” Making small adjustments to your relationship can provide security and safety. As a result, your partner stops worrying about being clingy and needy and starts looking outward.
Amir: Yes, your partner can be secure because attachment is a safety system. Their radar is not working. It’s as if there were no threat signals. People with anxiety are very good at spotting potential threats. They have very sensitive radar.
In the absence of threat signals, they appear to be fairly safe. The challenge is that some things can be very difficult for people with an avoidant attachment style who have a fear of intimacy.
One of them is to take care of your partner when they are sick. Caring for someone creates an opportunity for intimacy. They are afraid of it and feel uncomfortable.
Kyle: After reading your book and other literature on attachment, it seems to me that the avoidant style is self-protective. You mentioned adaptability earlier. In addition to being dependent, avoidant people also experience a fear of being dependent on their partner.
Amir: absolutely. They spend most of their lives telling themselves that they shouldn’t depend on anyone. They really need to trust themselves and be independent, even if others have failed. Or maybe it’s because we’re genetically wired to feel a little uncomfortable when it comes to intimacy.
And all of a sudden in the relationship, you’re trying to convince them otherwise, trying to push them into a place where they feel really uncomfortable by getting too close. I think focusing on what I call CARRP provides people with a secure base. This stands for consistency, availability, reliability, responsiveness, and predictability.
When people are consistent, available, responsive, reliable, and predictable, the attachment system is not activated and relationships are calm and stable. Again, I wasn’t thinking about giving a big gift or buying jewelry. It has nothing to do with it.
It’s about small, seemingly insignificant interactions in everyday life. That’s what makes the difference.
Kyle: This reminded me of what Dr. Gottman calls “the bid for connection.” Like when a couple is looking out the window and one partner says, “Oh, that boat is really beautiful.”
At that moment, the other person has a choice. They can either sit there quietly and “turn away” from the bid, or they can respond, “That’s right, that’s a really nice boat” and “head over” to the bid.
Many couples don’t realize how meaningful those small moments are. These are very important in achieving the security and safety that we have been talking about.
Amir: right. Every small, seemingly unimportant, insignificant interaction in everyday life is an opportunity to change the way he clings to you and builds a secure attachment in your relationship.
Kyle Benson I’m a relationship coach who writes to help others understand the science of love and relationships. Amir Levin, MD, is a psychiatrist, neuroscientist, and co-author of the following books: Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love.translated into 14 languages.
This article was originally published at: Gottman Institute. Reprinted with permission from the author.
