Editor’s note: This article was originally published in August 2021. Some details, such as the ages of those interviewed, remain the same as when the article was first published.
CNN
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Deanna Volek was never someone who dreamed of becoming a mother.
From an early age, she knew deep down that she did not want children. Perhaps it comes from seeing her mother work three jobs to raise two children on her own, sacrificing her dream of becoming a flight attendant. It might be. Or maybe her other endeavors interested her more.
“I’m always looking forward to the next thing,” said Volek, who works for local government in San Francisco. “Being a parent was never part of them.”
Still, the idea of not having children was considered taboo, so she didn’t dwell on it too much. It wasn’t until a few years ago, when she started getting serious with her partner, that she started thinking seriously about her own feelings. She had come to the conclusion that by the time she and her husband married last November, they did not want to have children.
Volek is now 37 years old, but he doesn’t expect to change his mind.
Not having children gives her a sense of freedom that her friends who are parents don’t have. Now that she’s vaccinated, she and her husband can eat at restaurants, attend concerts, and travel without worrying about risking the safety of her child. became.
They can work toward early retirement. This is an unattainable goal in a city as expensive as theirs. And in everyday life, I have a lot of time for myself.
Volek is one of a growing number of women in the United States who are choosing to live a child-free lifestyle. over 10 years.
Since 2007, the country’s birth rate has been declining by about 2% each year on average. Despite early speculation about a pandemic baby boom, the coronavirus crisis has further accelerated the decline, with births down 4% last year.
This was the largest annual decline in births since 1973, according to the report. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Demographers point to factors contributing to this phenomenon, including economic insecurity, political uncertainty, changing gender norms, and less stigma against choosing not to have children. While the pandemic revealed how little support American families receive from the government with childcare and other responsibilities, some women had already made up their minds.
Here are some reasons why some women choose not to have children.
Cecilia Sanders, 32, a project manager from Chicago, knew early on that she didn’t want children. It felt like too big a responsibility and the thought of pregnancy scared her.
Still, she says she felt pressured to feel different, afraid of disappointing others by not having children. For about a year, she tried to change her thoughts about herself by talking to her friends who are parents about her experiences and how she made time for herself.
After all, her friends often did not have time for themselves. They said their children came first.
Ms. Saunders found sacrificing her own needs to fulfill her duties as a parent to be particularly taxing on her. She struggles with her anxiety and depression, and when those conditions worsen, it becomes difficult for her to even take care of herself.
The idea of raising a child while maintaining her mental health seemed nearly impossible.
“After thinking about it seriously for a year, I thought, ‘No,’ if I do this, I’m lying to myself,” she said.
For some, how America treats mothers is reason enough not to have children.
Amy Blackstone, a sociologist at the University of Maine and author of Childfree by Choice: The Movement Redefining Family and Create a New Age of Independence, said the lack of family-friendly policies in the United States It states that this is one of the causes of the declining birth rate. In recent years, the pandemic has made this even more clear.
In the midst of the coronavirus crisis, parents have had to continue working, often missing childcare or having to help their children with remote learning. This situation has left people stressed and exhausted, perhaps making them more likely to delay or reconsider having more children.
“The pandemic has really exposed how poorly we support American parents,” Blackstone said. “We’ve come to realize the truth we’ve always known but didn’t speak out loud: that raising children is really difficult. And we don’t really support parents in that role. yeah.”
That was certainly a consideration for Yana Grant, a 24-year-old from Tulsa, Oklahoma, who decided not to have children last year.provided by the usa There is no national paid childcare leave system.. Childcare can be done by expensive or hard to find.And women are still more likely to bear the brunt of childcare responsibilities and housework.
“As soon as you find out you’re pregnant, you have to become a mother first and then a woman,” Grant said. “It seems like men become men and then become fathers.”
As a black woman, Grant has other things to worry about. Black women are more likely to die from pregnancy-related problems than women of other races.They also have their concerns were dismissed, their pain is not treated and their incredible experience.
For Grant, those concerns are rooted in reality. A few years ago, she felt that her heart was beating faster and her throat was swollen and went to see a medical professional. Her doctor told her to keep her hydrated and sent her home without testing her thyroid. About a year later, she went to another doctor with the same symptoms and was diagnosed with Graves’ disease, an autoimmune disease that causes an overactive thyroid gland.
Ms Grant worries that if something goes wrong with her pregnancy, her symptoms and complaints will be similarly ignored.
“As a Black woman, I feel like I don’t have much of my own,” she said. “So keeping that part of me inside is the only thing I know I can control. Probably no one else would do that, so I’m consciously trying to save myself.” (I can say) that I made the decision.”
While Jordan Levy focused on law school and building a career, she thought her “maternal instincts” would eventually kick in. She thought that once she found her partner, they would settle down and perhaps decide to have children.
Levy, 35 and married for four years, said she and her husband realized they liked their current lifestyle. They own a condo and are dog-loving parents. And although they both earn a comfortable living, they would rather spend their money on things they like.
“We’re really happy in our lives. We love to travel, we love to cook, and we both really value alone time and self-care,” she said. “I think we could be perfect parents, but I don’t think we’d enjoy it.”
For Sanders, not having children gives her time to pursue all of her interests, including writing, playing guitar, hiking, traveling, and animal rescue. It also means she can focus more on her own career, which is “the most important thing” to her.
“I definitely feel like I probably haven’t been as long in my career as I am now, [I wouldn’t be] You can live a normal life and pursue your hobbies and passions,” Sanders said. “I wouldn’t have been able to live my life to the fullest.”
Blackstone said it’s important that women like Levy and Sanders feel empowered to choose a childless lifestyle.
In the past, women who tended not to have children may have done so anyway because of society’s expectations of them. But in recent decades, those norms and attitudes have changed.
“We’re having more conversations about the reality that parenthood is a choice and not something everyone has to do,” she said.
It is probably becoming more socially acceptable for women not to have children than ever before. Still, women who choose not to have children say they still feel like they’ll always have them. have to explain one’s choices to others.
They are, I was called selfish., accused of hating children He said he would regret his decision later in life when he became lonely.
Volek feels that people like her who don’t have children are judged for being superficial or not understanding the gravity of the decisions they’re making, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. He says he is.
“People who choose not to have children think about children a lot, I would argue even more so than people who have children,” she added.
Some say the assumption that childless women don’t care about their children is also untrue. Volek loves to play with her friends’ children. Levy enjoys spending time with her nieces and nephews.
Grant is dating a man with whom he has a son and is perfectly content to have one-on-one time with the young man.
“I’m going to ask them if they want to go see ‘The Boss Baby 2.’ I’m going to take them to some of the Smithsonian museums,” said the Oklahoma resident, who plans to move to Washington, D.C., with her partner. “But that’s all I’ll do.”
Blackstone, who has interviewed countless people about their decision not to have children, said those she speaks with acknowledge that they may someday regret that choice.
However, she said that it is better to not have a child and regret it than to have a child and regret it later.
