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Dear how to do it,
I am a straight male in my 50’s in a healthy relationship with a deeply in love, very sexy and attractive woman. Our sex lives are active and fulfilling, and we communicate very openly about all things including sex. We enjoy experimenting and are sexually compatible. But when I orgasm, she doesn’t know what I’m thinking.
I think about other women almost all the time during sex. I run her reel of porn in my head. All my life, whether it’s sex with my partner or masturbating, I’ve basically been in my own little private porn production. In either case, there’s not much difference in what’s going on in your head when you reach the climax. I know your advice is mostly focused on openness and communication, but I honestly think I would crush my partner even if I discussed this as kindly as possible. increase.
I tried many times to change my mind, but it didn’t work. sex is great. But as a climax, we turn to adult highlights his reel. I know repressed desires seems like a good explanation for why I do this. Perhaps this was true when I got into the habit…a turn-on for me. So what exactly do people think about during sex? Is it rude to think about other people during sex? Is there hope for lifelong sexual habits to change?
Stoya: In other words, people think about everything during sex.
rich: This is a very subjective description of what ideal is, but for me the best sex is going into a flow state where you don’t really think about anything. you are just experiencing. You can’t always get there. As such, there are many different methods that people use to push past their limits. You may also need sex toys. The vagina said, ‘I’m not good at getting off with a vibrator. , of course.” It’s like, well, you gotta do what you gotta do because there’s a lot of things that seem to push you over the edge.
Stoya: As much as this man thinks about adult highlight reels, some men think about something that doesn’t excite them at all to avoid reaching an orgasm sooner than they’d like. Sometimes my brain goes to the strangest places: from grocery lists to dreamy scenarios to one of surreal, spiraling dreams.
rich: When my mind wanders, I’m always trying to get it back. I can take my attention away from that thought. I can see the thought and just keep trying to do what I do. But I really don’t think it matters during the best sex for me.It’s this kind of experience that goes beyond thoughts and words.
Stoya: Sure, the flow state is great. However, the fact of having multiple orgasms tends to inherently involve taking a step further or really taking a step and then a step back.
rich: I took right.
Stoya: At that moment, it either hallucinates or is like, “Oh, I can hear my cat playing in my chair, I need something on the floor to dampen the scraping of chair legs.” But if I say this, I don’t think anyone will be satisfied. Pick up your phone and let me put this on your shopping list. ’ So I don’t know why I felt the need to contextualize, but—
rich: no no I love it.
Stoya: I’ve heard it from people thinking about a certain ex. I’ve heard it from people thinking about certain fetishes. And one of the things he came up with, which wouldn’t have happened in his formative years, is that he said, “Do the highlight reel,” like a porn highlight reel. When I say that, that’s the way many men watch porn. Consume now.
I’m sure women do too, but you don’t always hear women who love mainstream porn very often. But through his viewing habits, it has now become part of his sexual response. I’m not necessarily convinced it’s a bad thing, other than that he holds out in an otherwise very open communicative relationship.
rich: right.And he admits that by leaking this information, you could really hurt someone’s feelings. If you know you have this information and it could cause harm if leaked and you are not breaking any kind of rules no Leaking it out, I think you’d better keep it to yourself.
Stoya: I wonder if he thinks it will crush her because of what he knows about the woman he is dating, or did he assume that telling someone about this would crush them? She seems to enjoy experimenting, seems to have novelty and variety, and he says she’ll probably agree with what he’s thinking. There is a good chance that it will be. Tell me what she’s thinking ‘ or ‘Let me tell you what I think when I decide I want to reach an orgasm.
rich: I don’t know if there’s been any research into this, but I do know that most of your sex life is experienced in this particular mode, the audiovisual stimulation of porn, and then when you’re having that kind of sex. You’re so used to that movie that that’s what pushes you over the edge. That’s just the way it goes.
You can also think of it as a kind of wiring. Maybe you’re not wired that way by nature, but you’ve become wired that way. Then I think you can think about what you want. How ethical is it to daydream during sex? How much should you share? And while I generally believe that it would be ideal to be completely focused on your partner and no one in the world in your field of view, that is sometimes what people have to do and It’s not a problem.
Stoya: I am thinking of someone who wrote us in August. He made a very detailed discussion against our Freedom of Thought Policy regarding thinking about other people during sex.
rich: yes.
Stoya: Based on that, if you think that the other person is really in trouble, I think it’s best to tell him as gently and gently as possible and let him decide now, instead of leaving it to him. Never reveal, as I later had to admit that I omitted something I knew would bother her for years.
rich: I think what you’re saying is that inference should come from direct instruction. If she says something like, “I really don’t like my partner’s mind wandering during sex” or “I don’t want to think my partner is thinking about someone else,” The assumption is justified. Otherwise it’s just a projection. Don’t let the projection inspire you.
Stoya: If she didn’t say something that clearly communicated that it would be a problem if she knew about it, there’s no need to bring it up. No need to bring up the topic. no break the deal.
rich: yes. Very specific advice. You have to step away from the reports you’ve already collected over the course of your relationship.
Stoya: Should I just build a decision tree? If this, then this. Then that’s it.
rich: I think the bigger rule we’re talking about here is to make decisions based on evidence. Use context. But if you’re creating potential scenarios that are really completely in your head about how your actions could be problematic, spare yourself and try not to create problems when they don’t. can be one.
Further advice from Slate
I recently found out that someone at work did porn when they were younger. This porn doesn’t match his look direction (he’s married to a woman). We are a relatively small workplace so this was quickly resolved. Our boss probably knows by this point.
