Written by Dr. Roberta Schaller
If you live or work with someone who uses these frequently, you may find that the mean-spirited anger of passive-aggressive behavior is pushing you over the edge.
You think everything is fine and going well. Then, with just one word, it flips and the emotional roller coaster begins all over again. We are often caught off guard and have no idea what is pushing our buttons. This should help.
Sneaky anger? That's the first way to escape. You take a look, you make a bland comment, you roll your eyes, and then you go, “What am I supposed to say to that?” A question that catches you off guard…and a little defensive.
Passive-aggressive people want to keep you guessing and in control.
Risky business! right? If you know anything about what I'm talking about, you've been there. I don't know if I should speak up or lie. Or get angry. Or, when you're feeling frustrated inside, you can just go along with the joke.
Here are five potentially passive-aggressive words that people say far too often.
1. “Of course I will.”
Great answer, isn't it? The problem is, after saying it, nothing is done. And when you ask why, he/she says you never had the right to ask for it in the first place. Or the all-too-habitual response of “I forgot.” (It's annoying, isn't it?)
2. “You ask too much.”
The person agrees to what you ask, but only with minimal “token” effort. She/he knew exactly what you wanted but provided you with the bare minimum so you could say it was done. It's a kind of catch-22. You have to get over the wall, right?
3. “I know you've tried your best to do what you do.”
ah! The ultimate backhanded hurtful comment is being offered and can be taken several ways. You are certain that this is what the other person meant. “Given your lack of skill, acumen, and background, I couldn't have expected anything more from you, you worm.” But he/she hedges his/her bets. It's no good if you respond, and no good if you don't respond.
If you react in disbelief, they say, “Are you saying I don't know what I'm doing?'' “I didn't say anything like that.'' Probably. Not confident in your abilities? ” Wham! If you answer, “Yes, there was very little background and very few facts to work with,” you will hear: ” ah!
4. “Oh, I thought you were involved too.”
Lots of potential minefields! If you ask for more information, you will be proving that you are not an “associate” and claiming that you are not part of an internal group or have been deliberately excluded. A passive-aggressive person will try to take advantage of you by ripping your arm off or hitting you in the wet area. Is it familiar? That's what's happening here.
The best thing to do is to ignore that statement. It's a no-win situation at this point.
5. “I was just kidding.”
I don't know what to believe. you are hurt But he/she just denied the possibility that you were meant to receive that message. If you take it as a joke, you accept the accusation and the other person gets away with it. The ultimate “gotcha!” This is usually what you hear after a sarcastic remark is thrown at you.
Again, this is vile outrage. This is often used when passive-aggressive people are in a group. They feel isolated from the group and are betting that by speaking up you won't let their underlying anxiety or healthy anger come out.
If these sound all too familiar, know that you're right about the underlying negative intent.
However, it's common to want to give people the benefit of the doubt. Most of the time it's a good idea. However, if it's a pattern you experience repeatedly with the same person, start thinking in terms of passive-aggressive behavior.
Now you know what's driving you crazy. Now you can take steps to change your role in the interaction with this person. Learn new strategies to respond in a positive and healthy way. Please stop making weird things!
Dr. Roberta Schaller has been helping couples overcome difficult relationships for the past 30 years.
This article was originally published at: good person project. Reprinted with permission from the author.
