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Relationships are difficult. They require compromise, compassion, patience, among other things, and often more than we can offer. It is therefore not surprising that they are particularly sensitive to “therapeutic language,” clinical terms now widely used to describe certain behaviors and experiences, such as “trauma,” “gaslighting,” and “boundary.” Probably not surprising. But as standard use has increased, there are more and more examples of misuse, sometimes harmless and sometimes dangerous.
Jonah Hill’s ex-partner Sarah Brady last week share What appears to be a text message from the actor is worded in a way that Brady sets himself “borders” that limit his friendships and self-expression to what Brady now describes as emotional abuse. was used. “It’s been a year of healing and growth with the help of her loved ones and doctors to return to a life free of guilt, shame and self-judgment,” she wrote in a screenshot. At the time, the couple consulted a couples counselor, who Brady said was supportive of Hill’s actions.
But while couples counselors certainly provide useful terminology and structure for their clients, Hill’s application of this rhetoric and the Internet’s response to it reflect a greater and growing fear of the lawless deployment of clinical terminology. increase. The Cut spoke to three counselor couples about the prevalence of therapy stalk, who tends to weaponize it, and what they’ve observed among their clients.
As seeking therapy has become more acceptable, spiritual chats and the like have become popular on social media. In couples therapy, unfortunately, it often shows up. It can also be perceived as a misogynistic way of putting women in a frame. “She’s crazy, she’s too poor.” There has to be someone to blame. Someone is wrong here. Using buzzwords like “narcissist,” “boundary,” “gaslighting,” and “self-care” is kind of self-explanatory.
Self-care and having your own boundaries are all good things. But if you don’t really feel your emotions and don’t understand how it affects your partner, it can become a very transactional relationship and can be very controlling and manipulative. Become. It’s an attitude of “I know more, I have more control, I understand more”. I am furthering my development, becoming more mature, more informed, more empathetic and understanding. ’ It’s usually someone who feels deeply insecure. They don’t want to carry their own weaknesses, their own lacks.
In my work, I often come across people who, for example, want children or want to take the next step and get married. And if the other person is really reluctant and they can’t say it, they’re too vulnerable to be honest and they can’t say, “This is why I’m reluctant and this is why,” they use this therapy jargon. can be used to say: Put a partner in their place and make them start doubting their abilities.
It may sound shameful (“You won’t be a good parent”, “You are so emotional”, etc.) or “For me to marry you, you are still Letting go of the baggage is left “to be done.” In some cases, these concepts can be true and valid. What we sometimes see in therapy rooms is that the partner giving the therapy speech is actually not ready for the next step in the relationship, increasing intimacy, transparency and vulnerability. It’s not meant to be, it’s about starting to use words that are more than that. It was meant to control and block the idea of developing a relationship. I see it often.
This dynamic in couples therapy has continued for years and years with this kind of manipulation and control and one-manship. I think we just call it therapy now.
— Melissa Divalis ThompsonLicensed Couples Counselor
In my practice, couples therapy is more common than individual therapy. Previously, I knew someone had been in therapy before, thanks to the insights they shared. They know a lot about themselves. There will be many awareness of patterns, behaviors and emotions. People may internalize the therapist’s words or certain expressions and use them in conversations or difficult situations.
But now they’re all throwing around words like “codependency,” “emotional capacity,” or “boundaries.” It is sometimes used to justify a conversation or give it an edge. For example, instead of saying, “I don’t want to be friends with you” or “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you,” say specific words like, “I don’t have the capacity to have more emotional relationships.” use. ” I think it’s a crackdown. It gives you a sense of superiority and expertise in using this language, but it doesn’t really tell you what you really feel. It really leaves me incomprehensible.
For example, the word “codependent” comes up a lot. What that means is that the couple are insulated and very dependent on each other. I would rather have an explanation of the relationship. “We are together a lot, but we probably don’t see each other more than we should.”
I have to say, “Can you elaborate on this?” Can you tell me what exactly you’re talking about? Because you are saying something so general that I have no idea what you mean by that. People who use these words do so because they don’t want to be specific. They don’t want anything personal.
— Irina First Inna licensed individual and couples therapist
There are pros and cons. There are ways in which using therapeutic language in everyday life and relationships can be very helpful. People may be using it in ways that are less helpful, less effective for communication, less effective for intimacy and connection. But I think the question for me is, will this ultimately be an opportunity for human connection or an opportunity for disconnection?
If someone says, “I was induced,” that’s a big deal. That’s probably more exciting, right? It gave me a little idea of what the experience was like for you. And the more I can understand what your experience is like, the better for the connection. Because we know that we need empathy and compassion in our relationships. Indeed, if people are not mental health professionals, they may use the terminology in ways that are not entirely appropriate, so there can be a disconnect. For example, “trauma”, right? I may be thinking one way about trauma. You may be thinking about trauma in a different way. If we’re not mental health professionals, are we really at odds because we’re not using the terminology that professionals use?
It may also be a tool for elucidating pathologies. Rather than telling you, “I’m hurt by what just happened,” I might say, “I think you have borderline personality disorder.” In that sense, I am sick of you. I’m not talking about my own experience, I’m talking about yours. The diagnostic language I use is heavily criticized, especially when it comes to things like Borderline Personality Disorder.
Some might say, “I was very hurt.” I would like to understand more about it. Just like I want to understand someone saying “I felt gaslit at that moment”. Our job is always to pull the trigger and try to understand what someone might be explaining. I think I understand what people are saying when the language of therapy is being used or abused and it’s frustrating. Also, in general, I think having more languages and different ways to describe experiences is a good thing.
But I think one way power and control sometimes manifest themselves in relationships is by defining the experience of others. And I think potentially therapy can be leveraged in that way.
— Molly Bobek, Certified Individual and Couples Therapist
